"Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And he shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!" Psalm 27:14
Patience has never been my strong suit - ever! I don't like waiting in line, I want things done right now, and don't even try to get me started on waiting to see the result of subtle change. Trusting in the plans of someone else, let alone God's plan , has always been a challenge for me. Mostly because it requires patience. I am a self-motivated go-getter .... meaning if there is a way that I can move things along, I will attempt it. I don't take short cuts, but I will try to take matters into my own hands. And that is where God and I have battled. It wasn't until recent years that I have learned to trust his plan and be patient.
In middle and high school, I went through the proverbial awkward times - it felt like I was stuck in them for a long, long time. I was thin, a late bloomer, socially awkward....kind of a dorky girl. Boys didn't pay much attention to me when I was in my teen years. It wasn't until college that I had my first real boyfriend. I had several serious relationships between college and my residency - one of which resulted in a short lived engagement. If you asked someone then, I thought each of these men was 'the one'. I was so desperate to meet someone to validate that I was worthy of a relationship that I wanted any and all of them to be 'the one'. I wanted to validate myself by having someone find me attractive and worthy enough of marriage; after all, in high school, and college, people were deemed to be cool and attractive if they were coupled up. So it became an internal goal of mine to meet someone who would marry me. In my late 20's I met my first husband - he was nice enough, very family oriented and he thought the world of me. So after 3 months of dating, when he proposed I said yes. I spent the next year planning a wedding and trying to convince myself that I wasn't forcing something that wasn't meant to be. On paper he seemed great. We got along well, had similar interests and wanted the same things in life - and again, he adored me. So internally, I was validated but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being impatient. Even on the wedding day, as I stood in the locker room of the fancy country club, waiting for my father to come get me to walk me down the aisle, I had one thought....'run'. I remember a strong voice inside saying, this isn't right, you are forcing this. But I walked down the aisle, said "I do" and spent the next year faking my marriage until I couldn't do it anymore. To be truthful, neither of us were happy - we had rushed into something....we had been impatient and a year later we parted ways.
I was never good at being alone - it went back to those feelings of inadequacy from middle and high school, to those feelings of being the awkward girl that no one would ever want. I wasn't comfortable with myself nor did I like myself very much. So after my divorce, which was a painful process that made me face a new failure in my life - failure of a relationship and vows made before my family and God; after that, I spent a few years dating. I dated people who were not always good for me. I dated people so that I wasn't alone. I dated to try to beat an internal clock that was saying I was in my 30's, divorced and without children. All my friends were marrying and/or having children, my younger sister was married and having children, and I was advancing in my career but coming home to an empty house (well except for my dog). All the things I had once dreamed of, a husband, children, happy family; these all seemed to escape me during that time. And even though everyone that cared about me told me to take some time, be patient, trust God - well, I knew better! So I rushed into yet another relationship - this time becoming pregnant before the time was right. I married my second husband in a quick, court-room wedding to prepare for the arrival of our daughter. Had I been more patient I may have learned who this man truly was before committing myself not only to marrying him, but to being intimately interwined in his life for the indefinite future due to our daughter. Shortly after our daughter was born, our relationship changed and his true personality came out - unfortunately this personality and mine did not mingle so well. I spent many years fighting with and against him - for myself, my child, my freedom, my sanity. I spent many years listening to someone call me names, dismiss my feelings and belittle my interests and career. My marriage was a facade - it looked great to most, but was horrible behind closed doors. I was beaten down.... emotionally, verbally, and mentally. I lost myself to this person - he beat me down in all ways. It was during this time I came to rely heavily on my relationship with God - I began talking to him and asking for help. I felt that he listened, he spoke to me and he even reminded me of the importance of patience. My second marriage ended much like my first - this divorce being even more dramatic, time-consuming and painful because a child was involved.
After my second divorce, at the age of 38 I was forced to examine myself - what was I doing that was putting me in these positions. What was I not learning from my mistakes. What could I do differently. That word - patience - the thing I had always struggled with was once again in the forefront of my thoughts. Had I been more patient - had I trusted that God would send me the man I was supposed to be with, had I gone along with the plan....could that have changed everything?
Don't get me wrong - I love my daughter and am so thankful for her. But here at almost 40, a single mom......twice divorced...I knew I had to do something different. If not for me, then for her - show her a better example. So I enlisted patience - and it wasn't easy! I had to learn to trust God - I had to learn to let go of my desire to control everything. I had to let things evolve and happen and trust. TRUST...another important word in my life that has taken me a long time to embrace.
During the time between then and now, I dated some people but I didn't force things to be more than they were - I didn't try to make someone into something...if it wasn't working, I learned to let go. I learned not to rush things - to just enjoy the time at hand. And low and behold, God brought someone into my life - someone that I thought I would never meet. Now, had I met him 15 years ago - would it have worked out....maybe, but maybe not. Maybe I still would have had to wait till now to meet him. But this time I was patient - I trusted God to bring me someone...someone that would be right for me. And my patience has continued because relationships take time - they shouldn't be rushed, and they change just as the seasons change. And for once, I am enjoying the time - the journey, the here and now.
I still struggle with patience at times - I mean, no one wants to wait in the Home Goods line that extends through the aisles. That level of patience is still tough for me - or when our 3 year old says "I want to do it myself".....we all know that means you may as well get comfortable, you will be here for a minute. But I finally learned the value of patience - sometimes we can't see the benefit of waiting....but God can. He always knows what the end game is. When we force things, when we take control, when we try to assume that He doesn't know what is best - we make decisions that may end in pain - two divorces aren't fun...and someday I will tell my kids about the consequences of impatience - the pain I inflicted on myself and my family......but I did wise up....I learned to be patient. God has a plan......trust and patience are our jobs....we should leave the rest up to him.
"Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass" Psalm 37:7
