"A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new" - Albert Einstein.
#Fear...it's a very strong emotion. It can keep us from stepping out and trying new things. It can keep us from becoming who we want to be. Fear can keep us trapped both inside and outside of walls. It can make a simple task, step or move seem utterly impossible.
When I was younger, my biggest fear was #failure. I wasn't afraid of the dark, or spiders, or snakes......but the idea of not becoming what I wanted, or worse yet - trying to do something and not succeeding....that idea scared me beyond recognition. At times, this fear was overwhelming - comparable to the fear I experience when looking over the edge of the mountain after a beautiful scenic hike. It paralyzed my mind and my body - how could I ever recover from failure....how does anyone?
As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a veterinarian. It was easier for me to connect with animals than it was with people. I was a shy and awkward young girl - this continued into my teenage years, and some may say that it continues even now; altho the shy part has faded away. The vision I had for my future involved days fulfilled by the care I provided to pets and the recognition and appreciation I was shown by their owners. In my fantasy of my future self, I envisioned coming home to rolling hills on a horse farm where I would sit on my wrap-around porch and enjoy the evening with my husband and children. I spent the years between age 5 and 25 working towards this goal - long years of studying, sacrificing time with family and friends, sleepless nights spent volunteering a the vet school, grueling hours with little pay during my internship and residency and time spent building up my reputation and clientele as an established veterinarian - only to encounter failure at age 40. The #failure I had hope to avoid during all those years - the #failure I thought I had avoided by putting in the hard work, the time, the effort, the sacrifices - because that is what I had always known - work hard and you will obtain it. Ironically, the failure I encountered this year has opened my eyes to all the things I didn't have until this happened - or at least not until the last few years.
When I was finishing up my veterinary school journey, and the days of graduation were looming ahead, I was often asked if I wanted to have my own practice someday. I resoundingly answered 'Nope' everytime. Most people would look at me confused or quizzically. It seemed that the correct answer should have been 'yes...yes i do'. When asked why I didn't want to have my own practice, my answers included "I don't want the headaches", "I don't want the stress", and "I just don't want to". And every single one of those reasons resonated with me and continued to resonate with me throughout most of my career. It wasn't until a few years ago that I thought I may want to have something of my own - something that I created, to be what I wanted it to be, to make a difference in the lives of pets and their owners.
Three years ago I decided to stare fear in the face and embark on an adventure - I thought I had all the answers, I mistakenly thought I knew it all. And as is often quoted, make plans and God laughs.....unfortunately for me, the plans I thought I had took a turn that I had not anticipated. My vision for my future unraveled, leaving me feeling lost, scared and helpless. Unsure of my next steps. Unsure of my destiny. Unsure of everything I had done up until this time.
I didn't realize it at the time, but when things began to fall apart and unravel, I was learning about who I truly am. What I honestly believe in and what I most desperately want. The decision to open a veterinary hospital of my own was terrifying, exhilarating, fun, scary and ultimately something I am proud of accomplishing as well as something I wish I had never done (more on that later). I walked away from a project that was as much a part of me as my 5 year old daughter. I still grieve daily for the loss of what I created, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think that my failure has let down the hopes and expectations of so many people. There are days I want to bury my head under the pillows and pretend this never happened. There are days when I go to work, at someone else's dream, and it takes all my energy, all my will and all my heart to get through the day without crying. There are days when I look back on what I did and am so proud of the impact I made, the conversation I started for #FearFree veterinary care, and the lives that I touched. Some days I feel all these emotions in the same few hours - sometimes I can make it a whole week without getting upset.
Failure remains a big fear in my life - but it has changed my life. I tell myself daily that I can get through this, that this is an opportunity to turn a negative into a positive. That God has plans for me and I have to learn to trust the direction he points me in. It doesn't make the failure easier to handle but it does make it easier to face the next steps.