"Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing. But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised" Proverbs 21:30
40 years old....sometimes it is still hard for me to completely fathom that this is my age (soon to be 41). Internally, I still feel like I am 12 or 18 or 24 at times. When I was younger I always envisioned where I would be at this age, what I would have accomplished....what my life would look like. And while some areas have not quite matched up, I have far exceeded where I thought I would be in others.
From the age of 14 until just a few years ago, I struggled with something that most people don't want to talk about. My whole life I was the thin, tall girl....the girl who forever looked like she was 12 years old. To say I was thin was an understatement. And ironically, being the 'thin' girl became my whole identity. As my girlfriends began to come into their curvy, womanly bodies, I remained tall and thin - no curves to be found on this girl! And while I desperately wanted to look like them, I was also terrified of losing my identity if I did start to gain weight. At first it was easy - I could eat what I wanted without ever giving it a second thought. Until one day in veterinary school when my boyfriend made a comment about how I should 'never gain weight like other girls because he would stop liking me'. If that wasn't something to reinforce my eating disorder, I don't know what else it could be.
Don't get me wrong tho, my struggle with food started long before that. I grew up in a family that focused on food, especially at family gatherings. Every invitation to a social function, whether family or friend, was immediately met with the question 'what will we be having to eat?' Food symbolized love and affection and family in my world. However I watched the adult women in my family struggle with not only eating the food they so lovingly prepared but also the way their bodies were changing as they aged. Subconsciously, I learned that food was not something to be taken lightly - it damaged our bodies, changed their appearance and that only I had control to stop that from happening. So early on I began to turn down pieces of cake, turn away from plates piled high with pasta, ignore the churning in my belly telling me I was hungry. Because, as so many people told me, I was so 'lucky to be so thin'.
It wasn't until late in my 20's that I began to realize how damaging things were for me - it took a few more years and seeing a picture of me in a bathing suit, in which even I could say I was too thin, to make me decide to get some help. I had to learn that my struggle with food, actually had very little to do with food - eating a cheeseburger would not automatically cause me to gain 50 lbs....and even if it did...so what. I had to start to learn to appreciate myself and like who I was despite what the number on the scale was.
One year ago I met the most amazing man - a man who changed my life and the way I saw myself. Someone who made me feel incredibly beautiful and comfortable and safe. For the first time in my 40 years, I was truly happy - and I remain that way today. Happy. A word that for so long I proclaimed to be.....but didn't truly understand how that emotion felt. Content, happy, safe, comfortable - those words now encompass my daily thoughts. Safe enough to be myself and feel good no matter what I look like. One of the first things my parents told me after I began dating Aarick was that I looked so happy - and healthy. The number on the scale had gone up, my jeans no longer fit the way they used to - in fact they fit better. And instead of being filled with dread or worry, I was ok with it. I felt, and still feel, good about myself.
Issues with food are not often just that - they stem from a desire to control something...or everything. For the first time in my life, I did not feel the need to be in control of everything. I have found a partner who takes on some of the day to day struggles, strife and he graciously helps me figure things out. It is no longer all up to me - and in doing so, without realizing it, he has helped me in so many ways. By letting go of control, I have been able to truly come to enjoy life. By turning some of my concerns over to God - to the God who delivered this amazing man to me - I have been able to sit back and enjoy life.
It may seem inconsequential to most - to be able to eat without worry, to gain weight without concern, to feel comfortable and happy in my skin. But for someone who spent the majority of her life, disliking who she saw in the mirror - to be able to smile no matter what the reflection is; to finally feel good about themselves.....well I thank God everyday for that feeling, for the person he brought me and for allowing me to finally feel this happy.
