It's been a few weeks since I found (or better yet, made) the time to sit down and reflect, write and think. I admittedly have been busy and tired, and had a multitude of 'why's' to explain my lack of quiet time with myself and God. If I really searched my heart though, I could have found the time. If I am honest with myself, I had time to sit and scroll on Instagram, had time to play silly games on my phone, even had time to binge watch a show on Hulu. So what was stopping me from spending time quietly with myself and God? I didn't need the message at church yesterday to figure out the answer, yet there it was ... glaringly obvious to me.
Pastor Ryan spoke about being trapped in a house - a house made of rooms that keep us feeling beaten down, discouraged, broken, even defeated. He asked us to think about what keeps us trapped - where do we find ourselves stuck, what have we allowed to hold us back. It's easy to get stuck in these patterns - completely consumed and overtaken by certain emotions, thoughts, self-declarations. My rooms were easy to identify - failure, discouragement, depression, anxiety. It flowed onto my paper with almost no effort from my brain - my heart knew what I was struggling with. It's easy to pour my thoughts onto paper, to talk about them quietly with God - it's more difficult for me to speak them out loud, to verbalize them to those close to me, even those whom I share my daily life and home with. Aarick has come to realize that I keep things bottled up - not because I don't want to discuss them, but more because I don't want to burden other people with my innermost thoughts. He has learned how to kindly and lovingly encourage me to discuss things with him - to let him inside the walls and be vulnerable. It is something I still struggle with.
I find myself trapped in these rooms often - the rooms of anxiety, depression, discouragement. The room of failure - that one has kept me trapped for sometime now. It feels like an endless abyss that I am reminded of daily. I am not very good at sitting idle - my mind wanders, my legs twitch....I like to stay busy. So it wasn't too long before I went back to work after my practice closed. Going back into other people's veterinary practices seemed like it would be easy - I was just there to do a job and could clock out at the end of the day. But I didn't anticipate the overwhelming feelings of failure that would encompass me on a daily basis. The comparisons between their practices and mine - the feelings of envy that they were able to be successful when I wasn't. The longing for my practice to still be present and prosperous. The constant dreams at night about how things could be different. I am skilled at smiling, doing my job and pretending everything is OK
- when in reality I was trapped. Trapped within an internal struggle to recognize what had happened the last few years. I questioned (and continue to question) God daily - 'why did you bring me through this pain, this struggle, this heartache'. "What is the purpose of this?" These thoughts swirl around my head daily. We read in Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent". God brought his people through Egypt only to be met with the Red Sea - surrounded by rough terrain and a sea, the people questioned 'why'. Why would he bring them through something, with the promise of something better, only to now face impossible hardship. Reading this chapter felt like I was reading my life - I was certain God had called me to open my practice 2 years ago - I felt him speak to me, direct me, encourage me. And yet once things were up and running I felt God was nowhere to be found - where was he to deliver on all his promises? If he had wanted me to do this so badly, why was he allowing me to struggle through it? Why was it so difficult? I tried to trust in him but as humans that is difficult - there are bills to pay, groceries to buy, children to care for.....how was I supposed to do that with no income - and no change in sight? I had put all my faith in him and in the practice I felt he wanted me to create. And yet, here I was feeling disappointed by both.
I struggle with my 'failure room' daily - I continue to question, to wrestle with God on what his purpose was. I had asked God to help me find a purpose for my life - to find a way to create a lasting impression on people. I felt that I had started that with my practice - creating a new type of veterinary care - one in which pets and their owners wanted to come receive care - advocating for patient's and their emotional well-being. Creating an environment that was like nothing they had seen before. And I created it - but it failed. And when it did, I felt I disappointed all those people who believed in me - including myself. And I am left wondering why - what does he want me to do?
Daily I wonder what his purpose is for me - I hope that as I progress in my life that it becomes clear, that his path becomes more visible and I can understand why he led me through something clouded with promise yet shrouded by hardship. I hope that as I continue to struggle with my rooms filled with self-doubt that I can give them over to him - let him help heal me, heal my heart and my pride, heal my soul. If he can create a path through a Sea, surely he can create a path for me.