I'm sitting in my kitchen enjoying the quiet of my house this morning - quiet is unusual (or scary depending on the day) when your home is filled with 2 adults, 3 children, 2 dogs, and 2 cats. I don't get to enjoy quiet very often. In college I hated quiet - even when I was in vet school I usually always had the TV on for background noise because I didn't like the idea of a quiet home. After I had my daughter in 2014, I quickly came to LOVE quiet ( a colicky baby will make you appreciate silence)!
I would love to sit here and tell you that I took advantage of the quiet house and did laundry, cleaned, was productive...but alas, I laid in bed with the 2 dogs (only 1 of which is actually ours) and binge watched old episodes of Greys Anatomy. #Self #care. That's what we call it nowadays right - when you just want to veg out and do absolutely nothing. I had all intentions to do other things with my time this morning because let's face it - with a family of 5 there is always laundry and something to clean. But after working 10 hours yesterday and knowing I am working this afternoon and another 10 hours tomorrow, I decided that self-care was in my best interest today.
My boyfriend will be the first to tell you that I don't relax well - neither of us do. Something genetically intertwined in our brains to constantly be doing something. He can, however, take a nap with the best of them, and for that I am eternally jealous. As I sit here typing this I am struck by the question - at what age do you become too old to call someone your 'boyfriend'. Let's face it - I'm 40.....isn't it silly to be calling him my boyfriend....like we are still in high school or something? We share a life, a house, our pets, ... we raise our children together. I still feel a little silly when I introduce him to someone as my boyfriend....but alas ... manfriend sounds even weirder so I will stick with boyfriend.
One of the reasons I have always disliked the quiet in the past is that usually when things are quiet my mind starts to wander. And in the last few years that means it focuses on the things I consider to be failures. Two marriages ending in divorce. A very difficult and tumultuous relationship with my daughter's father. Career changes including a failed business venture. Bankruptcy. You can see why the quiet would scare me - I don't really want to spend time focusing or facing these things. Ironically its during these times of quiet that I find God's voice to be the loudest.
During my first marriage, my husband and I both wanted children. It was something we began focusing on right after we got married - how silly! I was just 30 years old and of course, I felt so much pressure to get pregnant because (gasp) I considered myself old......Ha Ha! Our plans to have a child didn't pan out as we thought - no matter what your parents or high school sex-ed teachers tell you, it isn't always easy getting pregnant! We went through different doctor appointments and tried invasive techniques to try to achieve this goal but to no avail. It put a strain on our marriage and this, coupled with other reasons, is why my first trip down the aisle ended with a trip to divorce court. The reason I tell this is that I can clearly remember multiple times when I would be driving home from work at night - quiet and alone in my car and I would hear a distinct voice in my head. The voice always told me the same thing - 'it's not the right time...he's not the right one'. At first I thought it was just my subconscious trying to make me feel better. But I would hear this voice often - always with the same message. I began to feel better about the fact that my plans to get pregnant were not working out - and ultimately felt better about making the decision to end that marriage. God was right - it wasn't my time, and he wasn't the right one. He isn't a bad person - in fact we have kept in touch casually and get along just fine....but he wasn't right for me. And ultimately it was better we didn't have kids because divorce with kids is messy (we will get into that another time). Those drives home from work were truly the first time I ever heard God speak to me - I wasn't as much of a believer then as I am now so I never really spoke about it but now I am so thankful that he helped me through that time.
I have come to love the quiet solitude times - whether they be mornings like this or simple drives to the store or just 5 minutes in the shower. Time to think, time to reflect, time to pray and talk with God. I know he listens even when my life is loud and busy - I'm glad to know that I have learned how to listen to him when times are quiet.