I am not entirely sure where my weekend went. I had so many intentions to sit down and write blog posts each day and before I know it, it's Monday and I am back working a 12 hour shift at the animal emergency room. I am about halfway through my shift and my head is already a bit foggy from lack of sleep last night and the length of the day spent inside these walls.
I dropped my daughter off at her first day of summer camp today - she was extremely excited, right up until it was time for me to leave. Then I could see the uncertainty and fear develop on her face. I know those emotions all too well. I still get anxiety when I am going to a new place or starting a new experience. I often will drive to a new job before my first day so I know how long the drive will take, what to expect when I arrive, things to be aware of. When taking a new gym class I often google reviews of it first to see if people have any comments that may give me a heads-up on things. When signing up for a new bible study, or a new continuing education class I try to do as much research as possible so that nothing will catch me off guard.
The anxiety associated with new adventures can sometimes be crippling - I have learned how to deal with this anxiety so that I can now enjoy these opportunities but as a child I hated going to new places. I hated the start of the school year when everything is new and different. In college, having to figure out a new route to my classes was overwhelming. I see some of these traits developing in my young daughter and I am already trying to figure out how to help her maneuver a life with anxiety.
During seasons of change, it is natural to feel some anxiety - how will this all play out? Will I be able to find work? Will I be able to pay my bills? Will my daughter like her new school? Will I make new friends where I live now? Will our blended family continue to get along? It's human nature to want to control things and when we don't have control, anxiety is our natural reaction.
For the past 2 years my body has been in a constant state of anxiety - I left a very busy practice to embark on my own and then spent 2 years analyzing schedules and praying that business would pick up. I never knew how, or if, we would pay the bills from month to month. I knew that things had to change but I didn't know what steps to take to make the change occur. When I made the decision to close my practice, I remained filled with anxiety - I had no job lined up and wasn't sure how the closure of the practice would impact me personally, professionally, emotionally and financially. I took some time to grieve and recover and try to understand God's plan for me. When I discussed doing relief work with my family, it seemed like a good option for me. I was anxious again because I wasn't sure if I would like it or would find enough work. God certainly has plans for us even when we don't have plans for ourselves - I had hoped to be able to work part-time one day, with no weekend hours and the flexibility to be home with my kids. Isn't it ironic that by starting my relief services I am able to do just that. I have the schedule I want and none of the hassles of my own practice. God didn't answer my prayers during the times when I wanted him to - but he answered them now. And with those answers he released me from some of my anxiety.
I recently started my #biblestudy with my new church - we are reading #GodIsAble by Priscilla Shirer. The book instantly drew me in as she described the 'it' reason for her writing the book - the 'it' problem in her life that she couldn't fix. The issue that we constantly turn to God for assistance with. I have turned to God many times but during these 2 years we have talked daily - sometimes multiple times. I know I have struggled with what his plan has been for me the last few years but perhaps this was his plan all along - maybe he took me through a difficult time so that I could decide what was most important to me and appreciate it once I had attained it. Maybe he knew that I needed to reach a low before I could appreciate the highs. Whatever his reasoning, I am forever thankful that some of my anxiety has cleared and a path of happiness was opened up. #GodIsAble
